Happy birthday. Today is your 51st birthday, can you believe it? I can't. In my mind, you will always be 40, that is how I remember you. You were so happy and vibrant at that time, it is hard to believe that you are gone.
Today I made Swedish pancakes with lingonberries for breakfast for us. Just like you used to make. I even used the Jenny's cookbook from the Jenny Lind Society that was your favorite. I was going to make a cake but couldn't decide between a fresh carrot cake with raisins, grated carrots and cream cheese frosting or a fresh coconut cake. I wonder which you would prefer.
I think about you every single day. Some days are better than others, but there are some days where it feels like my heart is breaking, I miss you so much. I still hear songs on the radio that send me reeling and make me stop in my tracks. Everyone kept telling me that things get better with time, but I can't see how. I think that they were trying to be nice, bless them.
This summer, it will be 32 years since you had to make the most life changing decision of your life. You were young and pregnant and you decided to be a single mother. I can't even imagine the stress that you went through raising me at different times in your life as a single parent. I am so thankful that you made the decision to keep me. I needed you and I think that you needed me.
There are times lately when I think of things and try to remember things and can't. Then I think to myself, "Oh, I will just ask Mom, she will remember." Then I realize that I can never ask you things again. I alone am the keeper of our memories. It is up to me to pass down the funny stories and experiences that we had. Such a huge responsibility. It all started with me trying to remember our neighbor's last name when we lived in Glenview 15 years ago, now I have come to this massive revelation that it is all on me.
I miss you, Mom. I hope that you are at peace. And I hope that you know that I love you. Please hang around us, we need an angel and I hope that you can see your little Connor baby. He is so adorable. I talk to him all the time about you.
Your daughter, Missy